Lessen the Grip of Expectation
↪ When I was growing up the only thing I wanted was to be a mom. I would play with my baby dolls and imagine my life as a mother and a wife. When I was 13 my baby cousin was born and I remember spending my weekends babysitting her instead of hanging out with my friends. I have always been a mama bear.
I pictured myself becoming a teacher and marrying the “man of my dreams”. We would have four kids. He would kiss my belly and talk to our baby while I was pregnant. He would hold my hand during labor and cut the baby’s umbilical cord. We would go home and take turns waking up during the night. He would help me give them their first baths and change diapers. We would go on family vacations. I had the whole thing planned out in my mind. I thought I had it all figured out.
My dream came true when I turned 18. I became a mama to the most beautiful baby girl. But I wasn’t married and I hadn’t found the “man of my dreams”. I was in a relationship with a guy, whom I thought was my best friend but none of it was happening the way I had planned. He wasn’t there to hold my hand through labor. He wasn’t there to do night feeds or change diapers. I did all of it on my own. It wasn’t what I had imagined but I was in love with my sweet girl.
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Two years later I had my second daughter. This time was different, even worse. Taking care of one baby alone wasn’t too difficult. We spent our days napping and playing together. But having to raise a toddler and a newborn alone was a different story. The days were long, the nights were hard. I had a two year old desperate for my attention and a baby who needed me even more. I was breastfeeding what seemed like every second of the day. I was constantly changing diapers, giving baths, cooking, or trying to get one of them to sleep. I was completely on my own. He didn’t even show up for the birth of our second daughter. I took them to every doctor appointment by myself. I spent 5 nights in the hospital with my youngest, on two separate occasions, alone. We never got married, and eventually I left to become a single mom.
I love my daughters more than anything and I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life. The only thing that I would change is my expectations.
My family didn’t turn out the way I had planned and motherhood was nothing like I expected. I never imagined it would be as hard as it is. Nobody told me about the difficult things. Sure, people tell you about the sleepless nights and having sick babies. But nobody tells you there will be nights where they cry for hours, and you can’t figure out why. Nobody told me I would have stitches after birth and wouldn’t be able to sit down. Nobody warned me about my boobs leaking every second of the day for 18 months. Nobody could of prepared me for all of what motherhood is.
Motherhood is so unique. Every persons experience of being a mother is different. Some women give birth naturally, some women have c-sections. Some moms breastfeed, others use formula. Some babies sleep through the night from birth while some mamas have to suffer through a colicky baby for months. Every time you have another baby you have a different experience with motherhood. Every baby is different. They have different personalities, different sleep patterns, different appetites. So how can anyone prepare you for what your motherhood experience will be like?
It’s impossible. No matter how many baby books or blogs you read, no matter how many classes you attend. You can never fully prepare for what motherhood will throw at you. Hollywood has a “one size fits all” version of motherhood they put into movies and tv shows. They make it seem mostly fun, with tiny snippets of a baby crying or throwing up.
Hollywood is probably one of the biggest reasons women grow up with these huge expectations for motherhood. They see it in movie after movie. Women in movies leave the hospital with the same waist size they had before getting pregnant and a face full of makeup. Celebrities pose on IG only days after giving birth looking better then before, with perfect hair and already going back to work. This isn’t the reality for most women. Personally, my belly was still swollen and pudgy for weeks after I had my daughters. I didn’t wear makeup or wash my hair for days at a time. For me, motherhood hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine. There has been a lot of gloomy days and a lot of storms.
